Things I’d Rather Do Than Watch ArenaBowl XXIX

The Philadelphia Soul have been running advertisements about Friday’s Arena Bowl XXIX. In the ads, they make the statement that they are Philly’s winningest since 2004. They have 122 wins including playoff wins in 11 years. And, they’ve won a Championship. I guess the Soul marketing team is part of the contingency that doesn’t believe Villanova basketball is a Philly team. Nova has won 130 games in the last five seasons alone AND a national championship. Nova did it in a league with 351 Division I teams. The Soul competed in a league with 8 teams.

There are 8 teams in the Arena Football league. That means the Soul go into every season with a 12.5% chance to win the championship. So titletown in the Arena League isn’t too elusive. It’s a league of 8 teams!!!!

The end of this Arena Football season can’t come soon enough. As someone who listens to sports radio, I’m sick of hearing about the Soul every time Jaworski get on the local airwaves to talk Eagles football. Nobody cares. They average 7,400 in attendance. That’s less than Penn football’s 8,700. Penn football. Who knew Penn even had a football team?!

Thanks to Jaws’ regular call-in discussing Eagles training camp and his incessant Soul plugs, I’m aware that the Arena Bowl is tonight, Friday. If you’re like me, it’s the last thing you’ll want to watch. Don’t worry, I am here to help you.

paint dry

Yup, that guy is watching paint dry. While that is a better option than watching the actual game, there is plenty of good stuff going on in Philadelphia to make sure you don’t accidentally flipped to the Arena Bowl channel. Here are just a few of the things I’d rather do than watch the Soul tonight.

Friday night is SALSA NIGHT AT THE PIAZZA AT SCHMIDT’S. No, this is not an eating competition for the best salsa recipe. This is about the dance. Who doesn’t want to salsa dance? This is happening from 7-10 p.m. You get a free dance lesson and then a live band plays for you to dance your face off. Ladies love guys who can salsa.

Peabo Bryson is playing Penn’s Landing from 7-9 p.m. This is part of the SMOOTH JAZZ SUMMER NIGHTS program. Peabo has been singing hits to Disney movies like Whole New World and Beauty and the Beast. However, his best slow jam is If Ever You’re in My Arms Again. You can salsa for an hour then take whoever you were sweating with and grinding on over to cuddle and make-out with while Peabo gets you all caliente. You know and like this track….admit it.

While Bistro Romano is known for their kick-ass Mystery Theater dinners, tonight they have Killa Bridezilla. This is not a wedding decimated by a Godzilla walk-through. Instead, this is a dinner theater production where you’re basically in the middle of “hilarious” bachelorette party. As the tagline says, “you’ll be wondering if someone’s going to say I do – or I die.” If there is a such thing as Must-See dinner theater, this may be it.

I went to Longwood Gardens once. I thought that would be the last time. However, a return trip sounds like a much better idea than possibly seeing a play of the Soul’s Arena Bowl game. Seriously, they are running a program called Nightscape and we hear that some talented artists have put together a great light show accompanied by good music. Sounds like ya park the car, vape some of your favorite greenery, and wander around the ground watching the lights. Here’s a sample from last year’s Nightscape.

The Parx Liberty Carousel is at Franklin Park. It’s a 30 horse carousel. I don’t know about you, but riding around in a circle repeatedly on a slow-moving carousel horse sounds like a party compared to arena football. They even have a Smarty Jones horse you can ride.

We got showtunes! The Independence Seaport Museum brings us Showtune: Celebrating the Words & Music of Jerry Herman. Get your buddies together and head over the Penn’s Landing Playhouse for a night of the best showtunes you thought you’d never want to hear. Hits like Hello Dolly!, Mame, and La Cage Aux Folles. I can hear guys groaning about having to listen to showtunes. I ask you this. Have you seen two plays of arena football? Give me showtunes all day. Plus, they’re raising money for the Woman Against Abuse charity. It’s all for a good cause.

Thunder From Down Under is at Valley Forge Casino. This is a troop of beefcakes from Australia who have taken their Las Vegas show on the road. We’re talking chiseled bods, seductive dances, cheeky humor and a chance to get up-close to these “hunks.” I no what you’re thinking. There’s no way I’d rather see this than watch the Arena Bowl. Have you seen the arena league’s Man in Motion, where he gets like a 15 yard running start before he hits the line of scrimmage. I’d rather watch these hunks than see the great game of football bastardized.

If you’re stubborn and none of these great events appeal to you, go to the movies and check out Don’t Breathe. Saw it last night. A good, fun, horror/thriller ride that comes in at around 90 minutes. I’ve watched a ton of horror movies and have never seen a turkey baster of semen. I’m just saying.

Remember, the important thing here is to avoid this Championship game at all cost. Trust me, you’ll hear enough about it from Jaws all next week if the Soul wins.

One more week people, one more week. Then, we won’t hear the Soul plugs during every Jaws appearance. The downside is that we’re fairly certain he’ll be plugging some other business venture every time he’s on the phone or in front of a mic. Dude is relentless.

TLA Butch

If ya got no plans Friday and like straight up rock, this is happening:

butchwalkerTLA

Butch Walker is a great performer and talented songwriter/producer. He’s written songs for Fallout Boy, Avril Lavigne, Sevendust, The Donnas, American Hi-Fi and more. He’s produced albums by Sevendust, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift and a bunch of other people.

For more info on the show, click here. To see a couple videos, scroll down.

HAVE EAGLES FANS BECOME SOFT?

JoshNorman_NotTough

Redskins cornerback Josh Norman ripped quarterback Sam Bradford in an ESPN interview from May. They quote Norman, on the subject of Bradford, as saying:

“Have you ever once been one of the top 20 quarterbacks in the league? Not that I remember — and you want more money? I can’t wait to play him twice a year.”

The reaction of most Eagles fans has been widespread indifference, a shoulder shrug. What gives?

In Eagles fans’ days of yore people would be lashing out on sports-talk radio, writing letters to the Editor, or posting angry messages in online forums. Today, in the world of social media, crickets. Have Eagles fans gotten soft? Disinterested?

Nah.

First of all, what Norman said is true. He didn’t attack Bradford personally. He made a statement that is, in all likelihood, truth. Eagles fans are woefully aware of that.

This isn’t 2002 when Giants TE Jeremy Shockey called Troy Vincent and Bobby Taylor “lucky” and beneficiaries of a great front seven. This is a trash-talking CB yapping about our middle-of-the-road QB. Who cares!

Secondly, the drafting of Carson Wentz has caused Eagles fans to detach themselves from Bradford. We’ve all dated someone when ya knew the breakup was coming and you prepared yourself for it. Or, you were gonna break up with someone and just waiting for the right time, like when Wentz plays a couple good games. Eagles fans know the breakup is in the very near future and have emotionally distanced themselves from Bradford. Norman can say whatever he wants within reason, especially the truth.

Now, if he said something along the lines of “Bradford is mediocre like the city he plays for” then that’d be different.

I’d respect Norman more if he attacked Fletcher Cox’s skills. But nah, he’s just a punk. Ask Julio Jones.

“I don’t get like when people say Josh Norman is tough,” Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones said, via The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. “Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good player. But they play ‘Cover Two (meaning Norman gets a good deal of safety help).'”

At this point, bulletin board material attacking Sam Bradford probably gets covered up by an ad for guitar lessons.

A Day in Jawnvnille: Philly Folk Festival 2016

It was a busy weekend in Jawnville. After drinking more beers than planned at 97.5 the Fanatic’s Fantasy Fest, we decided to head north to the town of Harleysville, PA for the Philadelphia Folk Festival.

Music festivals aren’t anything new to me. I’ve been to Lollapalooza, Vans Warped Tour, Ozzfest, and the Mosters of Rock. However, the folk festival was a completely different animal.

The similarities of the previous music festivals that I’ve attended and the Philly Folk festival are quite minimal. They are alcohol, drugs, and music.

People were friendlier and more welcoming at the folk festival than my previous “fest” experiences. Perhaps the lack of aggression and moshing lends itself to a more welcoming environment. I saw way more smiles than elbows. Or, maybe it was acid or molly. I can’t say for sure, but I’m feeling certain those recreational substances were readily available and in use.

I’m hoping everyone in the campground area had sun block because clothes were not a popular item over here. There was a fair share of shirtless guys and ladies in swimwear wandering around the campground. I’m not sure if there was an actual pool aside from the kiddie pools people had at their camp sites. If you’re a band playing the festival in the future, don’t expect to move a lot of shirts with this crowd.

The people watching the acts on the main stage wore more clothing and were all over the fashion spectrum from togas to kilts to tie-dyes. Yo, tie-dyes were everywhere. That was a shock. I never put the Grateful Dead crowd together with the folk crowd. Then it dawned on me, it might be a folk festival in theory, but not in music.

I didn’t hear any folk the time that I was there, aside from genius gutter-folk that is Philly’s own Driftwood Soldier. I heard R&B, some kids harmonizing with kazoos, and gospel. I left before Los Lobos played as the headliner, but they aren’t really folk either.

The festival name is misleading. This is more or less a festival of music that is pleasant in nature. I don’t know what you call a festival like that. People were high and the music was happy. Perhaps it should be called Philly’s High and Happy Festival.

In the end, it was a good day. Different, but good. I suggest anyone who is interested in being high or happy consider attending a future Philly Folk Festival.

Here’s a slideshow of our day at the Fest, as the attendees refer to it.