Desperate for a Sixers ping-pong ball to be in the top two picks, I went back to my altar boy roots. I scrambled for a patron saint of lotteries for this make-or-break night in the future of the Sixers. I found this guy:
That’s Saint Pantaleon. He was a healer of children and helper of the less fortunate. He’s not officially recognized at the patron saint of lotteries, but has come to be known as this over the years. In light of the Sixers being one of the less fortunate teams in recent NBA history, I’ve put together a prayer for us desperate Sixers fans.
This shouldn’t interfere with anyone’s religious denomination. This doesn’t claim anyone as savior or God. We are just asking for a hand from a guy who may have a little lottery pull.
Saint Pantaleon, Patron Saint of Lotteries, we ask that you look down with empathy, compassion, and pity upon all members of Sixersland. On this day of the NBA lottery drawing, we ask that you grant us the good fortune of a Sixers ping-pong ball being drawn in one of the top two spots for the upcoming draft. We promise to use this pick wisely and learn from the ills and errors of the past. We promise not to judge potential picks based on pick-up games in the driveway of the mansion of our team owners.
This has been a long and grueling journey, but Sixers fans have made it through to the end with a smile on our collective Delaware Valley faces knowing that through darkness comes light. Please shine this lottery light upon us.
We come to you humbled from the past. We renounce Harold Katz’s sinful pride in his skewed judgment of Brad Daugherty as soft from the driveway game.
We renounce the likes of Eddie Jordan.
We renounce the greed, sloth and glutony of Andrew Bynum and all his empty promises.
We renounce the GMs of Greenberg and Stefanski.
We renounce the trades for Hinson, Ruland and trading of Wilt Chamberlain, Chet Walker, and Charles Barkley.
We come to you seeking absolute mercy for the inappropriate use of first round draft picks in the occasions of: Thabo Sofolosha, Jiri Welsch, Speedy Claxton, Larry Hughes, Keith Van Horn, Mark McNamara, Jim Spanarkel, Terry Furlow, Sharone Wright, Shawn Bradley, Kenny Payne, Christian Welp, Leo Rautins and any others you deem unworthy.
We ask, on this Twentieth Day of May in the year Two Thousand and Fourteen, that you absolve Sixers fans and management of all the sins of the past and bestow upon us a Jabari or a Wiggins in this upcoming NBA Draft.
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