2017 Phillies Home Opener

Three days later and I think I finally thawed out and sobered up from the Phillies 2017 Home Opener. The ballpark always feels alive on Opening Day, probably the last time all season. As usual, Opening Day was a sell-out and you know what that means, tons of good sights and VIOLATIONS.

We didn’t even need to get into the ballpark to see our first Violation.

We’ve got multiple problems with this kid. He’s wearing a Pence jersey. Pence is gone. He’s not retired. He currently plays for another team. He wasn’t even that good here. The jersey is entirely too big. We could’ve lived with this, but the bad sports-parenting here was far too outlandish to ignore. The boy is rocking Uggs and, as we know, if you ain’t Tom Brady you shouldn’t be wearing Uggs if you possess XY chromosomes. The worst of this scenario was that the kid also wore a Baltimore Ravens knit hat. A Ravens and a Phillies fan? Come on!These parents need an intervention. They have to be the leaders int he clubhouse for the Marv Marinovich Award.

Now, let’s get to the Good, Bad, and Ugly from the Opener.


Disposable cups of wine. Why did this take so long? Was this an idea on Shark Tank? Either way, it’s brilliant and long overdue. I might lean Pinot Grigio or Sauv Blanc over Chardonnay, though. Chardonnay feels so 1998.

This guy’s sweatshirt was by far the best of the day. He brought the excitement and energy needed if you’re gonna sport this sweatshirt. His friend, not so much.

I don’t know this guy’s deal, but he was in full uniform including belt, and batting gloves. He was alone most of the time we saw him, imaging that. Opening Day is like Comic Con for this dude where he dresses like his favorite sports character.

Nobody likes a welcher. That’s why this hideous sight makes it into the Good category. Obviously, he was paying off a bet being topless with a diaper over his pants while his buddies all laughed and took picture. This guy is a trooper.

Big Pimpin’ at the old ballpark is never bad. Dude and his lady friend rocked full-length fur or faux fur coats. They looked great and had to be the warmest people at the ballpark.

And now we venture into the world of VIOLATIONS.


This needs no words.

Astros? The Astros? She looked lost and confused. Maybe she’s just a little early for the July 24th series with the ‘stros.

Some fans need to get a clue. I heard an E-A-G-L-E-S chant by the 3rd inning. This was funny back in the day when the Eagles were making the playoffs and Super Bowl and the Phillies sucked. Not really funny since 2008.

Which brings us to these folks. Why would you wear Eagles or Flyers gear to the Phillies Home Opener? What’s the point? You’re gonna disrespect the Phillies like that by wearing merch from the Eagles or Flyers on their big day? Do these folks need reminding that the Phillies have won 2 World Championships since the Flyers last won anything or that the Eagles have yet to win a Super Bowl. Buy Phillies merch for Opening Day. Life isn’t this complicated. Geesh.


This is just bizarre.

SECURITY! SECURITY! A trench coat at the ballpark? Are those full jeans or just the bottom-half of the legs and he’s got a surprise for everyone? He’s heading to the merch shop so keep your eye on this dude.


Puke City. Caps gear in the format of an ugly Christmas sweater might get this dude worst dressed of the day.

Puke City 2.0. You can’t be hanging out with your dude while you’re attempting to inconspicuously cop a feel on your girl’s ass. That’s weird and it’s creepy. TOTAL VIOLATION.

Finally, we couldn’t help but notice a lack of jerseys and gear for any of the currently players. Here is a montage of the jerseys seen that day as they refer back to better days gone by set to some The Avett’s Brothers.


Mayor of Jawnville. Sports-junkie, writer, observer of the absurd. I rarely wear a suit, but when I do it's a 40R. Juniata Park & North Catholic proud.

About Greg

Mayor of Jawnville. Sports-junkie, writer, observer of the absurd. I rarely wear a suit, but when I do it's a 40R. Juniata Park & North Catholic proud.
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