Everyone hates the Patriots, unless you’re a soulless scoundrel. If you find your Boston hate not at its peak levels going into this weekend’s Super Bowl LII, where the Eagles shall bring the Patriots dynasty to its crumbling demise, we are here to help.
We bring you ten reasons to boost that Boston hate, aside from the obvious Patriots, Celtics, Bruins, Red Sox reasons.
10. DROPKICK MURPHYS – I feel bad that the Dropkick Murphy’s make the list because they’re here for two reasons, none of which are their own doing. First, St. Patty’s Days everywhere have been forever ruined with their song “I’m Shipping Up To Boston” being available on those new-fangled jukeboxes that allow drunken-one-day-Irish-amateurs play this song on repeat. Spend an hour in any Philly Irish Bar on March 17th and you’re guaranteed to hear this song at least four times. Ask any bartender you know.
The second reason they make the list is Jonathan Pappelbon. This was his entrance song while he was in Boston and we all know being associated with Pappelbon is reason enough to hate it.
9. BOSTON HATES HAPPY HOURS – Want to go get some drinks with your friends after work and snag some discounted Happy Hour prices? Too bad. There aren’t any Happy Hours in Boston. That’s right. Boston and all of Massachusetts are anti-Happy-Hourites. The state bans it. If Bostonian had any serious drinking chops, they’d organize and get that legislation changed pronto. But, they don’t because they hate Happy Hour and that’s a reason for you to hate Boston.
8. DANE COOK – Who? Right? Think back to the 1990’s and early 2000’s. He was that surprisingly unfunny comedian who convinced enough people he was funny that he was able to headline arenas. He’s a Cambridge, Mass guy who starred in those movie classics like: Good Luck Chuck, Employee of the Month, and My Best Friend’s Girl. Below is an old bit he did about the “creepy guy at work.” I would suggest that perhaps he is now that creepy guy at work since he’s like 45 and has been dating a 19 year-old for the past year.
7. EXTREME – Nuno Bettencourt is a great guitar player, but that doesn’t excuse him from being a member of this band. This band created a string of terribly bad and irritating songs that pained your ears for years in the late 80’s and early 90’s. It started with corny Kid Ego and went downhill from there. Their second record was cleverly titled, Extreme II: Pornograffitti. Get it? It’s a mash-up of Pornography and Graffiti. It’s that kind of genius that fueled this musical crap. If you’re a Gen Xer you probably had to dance or make-out to the brutal More Than Words. If that wasn’t enough, their singer temporarily joined Van Halen and made Van Halen worst than when Sammy Hagar joined, and that didn’t seem possible. Play this video over and over if you need to fuel some anti-Boston and Patriots rage and remember, this band is partially responsible for the abomination that is the Van Halen III album.
6. PURITANS – Philly and Pennsylvania Quakers are way hipper and overall cooler than the Boston/England Puritans. Quakers are actually nice people who would never think of causing harm to others. These narrow-minded Puritans were the complete opposite. They feared strong-willed women to the point of accusing many of being witches and hanging them. They probably didn’t burn them at the stake because they couldn’t figure out how to light matches. Puritans even let two infants die in prison while the witch hysteria consumed the Boston area. Who doesn’t like witches anyway? Down with Puritans. Up with Pagans!
5. NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK – These were never good and may be solely responsible for the resurgence of dancing boy bands that hasn’t quit since the 1990s. These annoying kids took what Menudo was doing and Americanized it setting the formula of mediocre dancing combined with overproduced vocals that paved the way for Back Street Boys, NSync, 98 Degrees, O-Town, One Direction, and on and on and on. You hate them. If you don’t, you should.
4. CAPE CODDER – What the F*ck is cape codder? I’ll tell you. It’s how a douchey New Englander orders a vodka and cranberry at the bar. Most civilized cocktail-enjoying humans, when ordering a cocktail with just two ingredients, just name the ingredients. Examples being: Jack & Coke, Capt & Coke, Gin & Tonic. Not these delta bravos. They have to let the world know they’re a New Englander. Take your Cape Codders and your Chowdahs and beat it.
3. BOSTON BEER COMPANY – Boston Lager stinks. Boston Ale stinks. Rebel IPA stinks. Porch Rocker stinks. Noble Pils really stinks. Fresh as Helles blows. I’ve never tasted a beer from this overrated hack of a brewing company that I’ve ever enjoyed. Admit it. You know it. I’d rather have a Michelob Ultra than anything from this company and that includes their terrible Angry Orchard. Philly brewers Yards, Philadelphia Brewing Company, St. Benjamins are in an entirely different class. F*ck these beers.
2. SWEET CAROLINE AT FENWAY PARK – The singing of Sweet Caroline at Fenway Park has to be the most annoying ballpark tradition. Name one that’s more annoying. The Atlanta chop? Eh. Octopus on the ice? Nope. The only ballpark tradition that could be more annoying is selling Sam Adams beers at the ballpark.
1. BOSTON ACCENT – The worst accent in the country. Absolutely nothing wicked awesome about it. Its indecipherable and sounds like they’re talking with a mouthful of Tom Brady’s deflated balls. As my buddy Bartender Bill so eloquently says of the accent, “I hate it. It’s stupid.” Tell me you don’t want to punch your screen after watching this guy say “Parks Department.”